Friday, July 17, 2009

2 days

Ok, this isn't going to make any sense.

You have been warned.

I am troubled. I am full of angst and anxiety. My intimate relationship seems to be in a state of...flux. So many things are up in the air at the moment. It's maddening. I've invested 4 years, and to be honest with you...I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I feel that at any moment the rug will be pulled from under me. I wonder if the man that I love is really who I think he is. I am suspicious that this is all an illusion. Perhaps a lucid dream. Will I wake up and find myself back in Baltimore with no hope for a future of peace and joy.

I love my relationship. It just seems very fragile to me at times. This makes me uneasy. It makes me recoil. It makes me rebel.

Next, today I realized that my little boy is turning 9 years old this September. WOW. Where has the time gone, and more impotantly, what have I done with it. I feel like the past 10 years of my own life have been spent chasing...something. I'm not sure what exactly. He has triumphed repeatedly over his disability, and I have watched in awe as he has overcome hurdle after hurdle. I hope to one day be as strong as he is.

I'm feeling a little trapped these days. Like a caged animal. Ugh, how cliche of me. I couldn't think of a fresher, more appropriate phrase at the moment. My apologies. I can't help but yearn for and daydream of the days when life was simpler. Well, my life was NEVER "simple", but it had varying degrees of simpler than THIS. And by simpler than THIS, I mean, simpler than now. Logistically, my life is a clusterfuck. I am in the process of trying to figure out how to love and enjoy my child, cultivate my own identity, work, make music, and maintain a delicate intimate relationship. It is difficult for my significant other and I to do things together, and it becomes moreso as time goes on. My mother has been fighting cancer for many years, and she is in no shape to play the role of "Grandma Babysitter"....I find it exceptionally difficult to admit that I need a break. From all of this. Everything. I just want to go away, and live in a perfect little world with no responsibilities for like, 2 days. Thats all. 2 days. I want someone to take care of me.

I want 2 full days where I don't have to worry about someones feelings. No social workers, no supply company orders, no abusive ex husband, no sharing the remote, no friends to answer to, no family guilt, no terror that Munchkin's breathing pattern could be a precursor to a brand new fresh case of pneumonia. I want to sing as loud and for as long as I want. I want to work in my studio. I want my own space. No cleaning. I want to play guitar. I don't want to be sorry for something. I want to be...not obligated for just. 2. days.

I'll let you know...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Pressure and Pugs

Today, I am tired.

The last week has been fairly exhausting mentally and I cannot put my finger on one reason why. I am feeling a bit scattered and the pressure is mounting. I haven't decided whether or not I work well under pressure. It seems that for the most part, I just freeze up when placed in the vice of life. This is why I like to plan. I like to be prepared.

So...Tommorrow is going to be the start of a beautiful new relationship between myself and organization. I'm totally over feeling out of control and that I'm always running behind. I want to be...together. So I'm going to do it. I'm putting my life together. I have a feeling that a lot of thing will be put into the trash by mid afternoon. Ahh... I'm feeling free at the thought of it. I need lists and time frames. I need structure.

For now, I'll relax and laugh once more at this hilarious video that I found on Youtube.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't." — Marilyn Monroe

Ahh. Another great quote from Marilyn. I've always felt such strange kinship with this woman. When I was a little girl...I fell in love with her. I thought that she was perfect, in a way that children sometimes percieve beauty as perfection. I wanted to be her. In my teens, I learned a bit more about her life, and also, her horribly tragic and mysterious death. It wasn't until my early twenties that I learned some things about who she was, and not just what she had done. Sure, I had watched and loved her movies, but I found that I really loved Marilyn, in her own words...not just the character.

I relate strongly with the fact that she was percieved by many as something that was so much less than the reality of who she truly was as a woman. She was beautiful. Certainly, one of the most beautiful women to ever walk the planet in my opinion. Her beauty was so overwhelming...her bubbly persona, so enchanting...but she was much more than red lips and diamonds. Marylin had spunk. Smart as a whip. Insightful and perceptive.

Marilyn was a witty, sharp, complex, and highly intelligent lady. She left behind not just iconic films. She left behind wise words that this (me) twenty something year old couldn't have said better herself;-)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Maybe it's time to call it a day. The sun is rapidly setting on the days when I had faith in humans. Especially men.

This post may come across as harsh. I'm ok with that, because the reality of my situation and my emotional state seems much heavier than any statements that I may do my best to compose here. I cannot possibly be the only one who has experienced this...

I grew up in a home with a father who was extremely abusive. Daily, he found new and profound ways to rip my mother, sister, and I to shreds. I will not go into details, but it was hell. Purely.

Perhaps, because of my father's methodical destruction of our self esteem, I have always had difficulty in relationships. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my father. I will never know. What I DO know is that no matter how hard I try to involve myself in relationships that are the polar opposite of everything that I grew up to be terrified of.....I always seem to circle back around to ending up with men who make me feel all of those same feelings of hopelessness, sickness, and worthlessness.

So, I found myself in despair last night yet again. My very first thoughts are ALWAYS along the lines of, "What did I do?" "How did I let this happen?" "Why am I such a shitty girlfriend?" "If I wasn't so fucking stupid, no one would do this to me." "Maybe I expect too much." Hmm. That last one, "Maybe I expect too much," clearly shows me that I'm out of my mind. I wish that I could shift that personal paradigm to, "Maybe I ACCEPT too much." Truth be told...I don't expect much at all. Quite the contrary. Maybe THAT is my problem. That said, I do expect one thing. Oddly, this may be only one thing, but perhaps it truly is too much. I expect...the truth.

I, like many women, have been cheated on, pushed, smacked, punched, kicked, cheated on again, and lied to. Believe it or not, the lies were more painful than any kick could ever least for me. Falling in love, and giving your life to someone who turns out to be the one thing that you despise most in the world is a tough pill to swallow. I hate liars. I especially hate liars within the context of an intimate relationship. It is the one thing that I cannot accept. I am honest. In fact I've been told, many times, that I am too honest. I am the very definition of TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I am this way because of my belief in the old adage: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Well, let me tell ya. Even if you DO treat others the way that you want to be treated, I am finding that there is OBVIOUSLY zero correlation with what you get back. If the rule is that you get back what you give out...well karma is broken. Clearly. It needs to go into the repair shop a.s.a.p.

I've loved Mr. Perfect for years. We've been through so much. I have fought with everything I have to keep us together. As human beings, we are ALL flawed pretty deeply in most cases. The thing is, I just feel that I've overlooked so much. We both have 'issues' i guess, but nothing that I see as being bad enough to end things over. I can see passed so much...but the lies...they are the brick wall for me. Unfortunately, I'm just not sure that his love for me is enough to override this very broken part of his character. Maybe it's just the way it I'm faced with a choice. Do I walk away from all of the wonderful and beautiful things that we've built together because I can't trust him? Or do I with the self imposed delusion that everything is ok, and that trust isn't my mother.

"“I believe that everything happens for a reason People change so that you can learn to let go Things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate them when they’re right You believe less so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself And sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together” " — Marilyn Monroe

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm Sorry

So Mr. Perfect and I have had our hefty portion of ups and downs..... Several of those downs have been earth-shaking, traumatic, and bewildering at the very least. It's gotten deep a few the point where one of us or both of us decided to call the whole thing off.

People break up. Every relationship is not meant to last forever. That's ok, and it's an integral part of the curriculum in the school of life. But this one...ahhh....this one, for me, has not been so easy to dismiss as a learning experience. No matter how deep the wound, and no matter how bruised our egos may become....We are here. Again. Together.

He makes me scratch my head. I've been in relationships before.... I was married for a long time, and mentioning that fact sort of brings on an intense feeling of nausea. Anyway, I was married to a "good" guy with a nasty case of douchebagarrhea. I use quotation marks around "good" because I did not particularly think that many things about him could be described as such, however it could've all been a matter of taste. I am positive that SOMEONE AMAZING will fall in love with his selfish, adolescent, alcoholic, and bi polar ways. Or perhaps not, because they won't know about those ways until they are very married and very pregnant. I kid, I kid. Sort of. SORRY GIRLS! I tried to help. So the thing was that I never really "got" my ex husband. Or maybe I did.....

Sometimes, when people do things that seem strange or bad from your perspective, it helps if you can understand their intention. When my ex committed all of his many crimes of the heart, I can truly say that I never forgave him, although I wanted to. I never forgave him because I never believed that his intentions were good. I always felt that deep down, he knew precisely what he was doing, and was sorrowful only for getting caught.

Mr. Perfect is altogether different. This makes for a curious case. You see, he is just. like. me.
Eh...this next sentence is going to be difficult for me to write because it leaves me open to getting slapped in the face with a big fat "WRONG!"....I'll do it anyway because this is what I believe. He doesn't mean to hurt me. Ok, I said it. Most (and I emphasize MOST) of the heartache that I've experienced courtesy of Mr. Perfect was not inflicted intentionally at all. He has zero interest in hurting me. It trashes his soul when he's made a boo boo. Well, either that or he's a gifted actor. BRILLZ! This key component is what makes it nearly impossible for me to remain angry. (Angry. Read as, "spinning my head and spewing pea soup") I can tell in his eyes that he really. didn't. mean. it.

This soooo keeps us together. I get to forgive him ALL THE WAY because I know that from him, "I'm sorry!" means "I didn't mean to hurt you. I feel terrible." NOT "Shit. She got me."

So here we are. Mr. and Mrs. Completely Imperfect. I'm not gonna leave him....And he probably shouldn't even attempt leaving me, because we both know that at the end of the day....we "get" each other. And if YOU really KNEW us, you'd see why just that, is an incredible feat.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Hey guys...So I'm sure that those of you who are close to me realize that I am an EXTREMELY private person. I listen well, but do not talk so much about my life and circumstances very often. I have difficulty letting people in....Anyway, this day has been so incredible that I have to share.

So some of you are aware that I have a little angel boy with profoundly special needs. He has been fighting a very rare illness since birth, and going through this journey with him has been my greatest joy, and my greatest heartache. My soul cries for him daily, and I have more than once asked God why this precious angel was given such a tough road.

When he was about four months old, the doctors pretty much looked at me and told me to "prepare myself". Other specialists said that he "may" make it to his first birthday...My response was a clear and resounding, "Thank you, but I do not accept that."

He suffered from atrophy to the frontal lobe of his brain, and basically had fluid filling all of the space where his brain should be. This odd brain abnormality contributed to him having well over 180 (visible) seizures everyday, while his brain activity, when measured with an EEG, showed one constant seizure on the right side of his brain. This often resulted in him having to be put into a medication induced coma, complete with respirator/ventilator...sometimes for weeks at a time. It was terrifying. These problems lead to others such as lung problems as a result of him being unable to swallow properly. Instead of liquid or food going from his mouth into his stomach, everything pretty much went straight into his lungs, which caused many life theatening pneumonias. The only option was for him to be fed through a stomach tube. Not long after that, he had to have a surgery that would tie his stomach around his esophagus so that no liquid could creep out of his stomach and back into his lungs. Sorry for the long back story, but I think it's important to share. Plus, this is the abridged version.

My son can not walk, he is on 6 different seizure medications, 2 lung medications, and he does not speak...He does however communicate. We have our very own special language. Just me and him.

So today, I took him back to the specialists at Kennedy Krieger in Baltimore. It seems as though he lived at that place for a long time. This is the first time that we've been back in 2 years. I was tired of him being poked and prodded, wondered over, and used as the subject of study. His case is one in a million or more. So today we went back. I admit, I was worried about some test results.

He has been very healthy for the past year or so, and I have been using some slightly unconventional therapy techniques.

First up was the Orthopedics doc. She's a sweetheart. I was worried because Angel Baby has really severe scoliosis, and with children like him, it only gets worse. The last time that I saw her she warned me to be aware that our next meeting may need to be centered around him needing surgery to correct the deep curvature in his back. They basically insert a rod into/around the spine to straighten it when the curvature is too deep because a deep curve can cause all sorts of problems...The spine may begin putting pressure on the heart or crushing a lung. As I said, children with his type of disorder only tend to get worse as they grow.

So we take the Xray. I'm praying and praying, and trying to stay at peace as we wait for the doctor to inform us of what she sees....

"Jeanette!" she says..."He looks great! His spine has IMPROVED!" This little dude went from having a 40 degree curvature to a 30 curvature in two years..that is sooooo backwards, and truly a miracle.

Next, his genetics/neurology doc comes in and says, "Look Jeanette....(blah blah talk)" but the long and short was that he wanted to reduce his medication due to the fact that his little brain has COMPLETELY regenerated itself, and he has gone from 180 seizures a day to.......2. Yes...two seizures per day. I'll take it.

I wanted to share this story with you all because, look, I totally get depressed sometimes, and I totally lose sight of why God put me here....But listen, if this kid can wake up everyday with a smile on his face after all that he's been through...then I have nothing to complain about. Granted, he has never known what it's like to walk on his legs...but maybe that should make you a little more thankful for yours. If HE can smile and laugh and love as much as he does...then I would be a fool not to realize that God sent me my very own angel to remind me everyday, why it's all ok. Why life is so....ok. Be happy. Love yourself. I love you:-)

By the way...He made it past his first birthday. He is eight years old:-)

Friday, April 10, 2009


So when was my last post on this blog? A month? Two? I dunno, but oh how so much can change in such a short amount of time...

I feel as though my mind, body, and soul has been highjacked by some sucker that I really wish would go the hell away. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Today, I realized that I am a very different person than I was a year ago or two years ago...and not in a good way.

The girl that I remember was bright, and full of optimist. She laughed...all the time. She was so sure of herself and her talents...She was whole. This girl had a twinkle in her eyes, and she was full of hope and enjoying the twists and turns of life. She loved to explore, and she loved to try new things. She was really fun.

When I looked in the mirror today I saw someone who is so very different. I saw someone who is...How can I describe it.... I saw someone who is dim. Someone who's light is just bright enough to light a very narrow path down a very rocky road. I wander through the day in a total fog...a daze. I'm sure this entry isn't making much sense but it's the best I can do for now.

I am so disillusioned with people. It seems like the ones who you fight for and try the hardest for are the ones that will let you down the most and hardest. The ones that you go out of your way for are the ones that pour their poison all over you. It's weird. I've gone into myself a lot now. What I mean is, it's been really difficult to get up in the morning...or afternoon for that matter. It takes every ounce of determintation that I can muster to brush my hair or take a shower. Most of the time, I'm just catatonic. Even if I'm walking around, my brain just feels paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and fatigue. I'm just tired. Really tired. It scares me. I'm alone a lot and can't seem to face my friends.

Wow. I sound like a real douche. Complaining. I'm sorry if you're reading this and thinking, "She needs to get a grip." I's true. I need to get a grip on my life. I have been letting so many things and people control and derail me. That's the thing, "I've been LETTING". I have allowed this to happen. I just really wish that I knew where to start. I want to pick up all these pieces of me. I don't want to be bitter. I want me back. She was so alive....