eh.....bleh.

So when was my last post on this blog? A month? Two? I dunno, but oh how so much can change in such a short amount of time...

I feel as though my mind, body, and soul has been highjacked by some sucker that I really wish would go the hell away. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Today, I realized that I am a very different person than I was a year ago or two years ago...and not in a good way.

The girl that I remember was bright, and full of life...an optimist. She laughed...all the time. She was so sure of herself and her talents...She was whole. This girl had a twinkle in her eyes, and she was full of hope and enjoying the twists and turns of life. She loved to explore, and she loved to try new things. She was really fun.

When I looked in the mirror today I saw someone who is so very different. I saw someone who is...How can I describe it.... I saw someone who is dim. Someone who's light is just bright enough to light a very narrow path down a very rocky road. I wander through the day in a total fog...a daze. I'm sure this entry isn't making much sense but it's the best I can do for now.

I am so disillusioned with people. It seems like the ones who you fight for and try the hardest for are the ones that will let you down the most and hardest. The ones that you go out of your way for are the ones that pour their poison all over you. It's weird. I've gone into myself a lot now. What I mean is, it's been really difficult to get up in the morning...or afternoon for that matter. It takes every ounce of determintation that I can muster to brush my hair or take a shower. Most of the time, I'm just catatonic. Even if I'm walking around, my brain just feels paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and fatigue. I'm just tired. Really tired. It scares me. I'm alone a lot and can't seem to face my friends.

Wow. I sound like a real douche. Complaining. I'm sorry if you're reading this and thinking, "She needs to get a grip." I mean...it's true. I need to get a grip on my life. I have been letting so many things and people control and derail me. That's the thing, "I've been LETTING". I have allowed this to happen. I just really wish that I knew where to start. I want to pick up all these pieces of me. I don't want to be bitter. I want me back. She was so alive....