Monday, June 29, 2009

Pressure and Pugs

Today, I am tired.

The last week has been fairly exhausting mentally and I cannot put my finger on one reason why. I am feeling a bit scattered and the pressure is mounting. I haven't decided whether or not I work well under pressure. It seems that for the most part, I just freeze up when placed in the vice of life. This is why I like to plan. I like to be prepared.

So...Tommorrow is going to be the start of a beautiful new relationship between myself and organization. I'm totally over feeling out of control and that I'm always running behind. I want to be...together. So I'm going to do it. I'm putting my life together. I have a feeling that a lot of thing will be put into the trash by mid afternoon. Ahh... I'm feeling free at the thought of it. I need lists and time frames. I need structure.

For now, I'll relax and laugh once more at this hilarious video that I found on Youtube.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't." — Marilyn Monroe

Ahh. Another great quote from Marilyn. I've always felt such strange kinship with this woman. When I was a little girl...I fell in love with her. I thought that she was perfect, in a way that children sometimes percieve beauty as perfection. I wanted to be her. In my teens, I learned a bit more about her life, and also, her horribly tragic and mysterious death. It wasn't until my early twenties that I learned some things about who she was, and not just what she had done. Sure, I had watched and loved her movies, but I found that I really loved Marilyn, in her own words...not just the character.

I relate strongly with the fact that she was percieved by many as something that was so much less than the reality of who she truly was as a woman. She was beautiful. Certainly, one of the most beautiful women to ever walk the planet in my opinion. Her beauty was so overwhelming...her bubbly persona, so enchanting...but she was much more than red lips and diamonds. Marylin had spunk. Smart as a whip. Insightful and perceptive.

Marilyn was a witty, sharp, complex, and highly intelligent lady. She left behind not just iconic films. She left behind wise words that this (me) twenty something year old couldn't have said better herself;-)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Maybe it's time to call it a day. The sun is rapidly setting on the days when I had faith in humans. Especially men.

This post may come across as harsh. I'm ok with that, because the reality of my situation and my emotional state seems much heavier than any statements that I may do my best to compose here. I cannot possibly be the only one who has experienced this...

I grew up in a home with a father who was extremely abusive. Daily, he found new and profound ways to rip my mother, sister, and I to shreds. I will not go into details, but it was hell. Purely.

Perhaps, because of my father's methodical destruction of our self esteem, I have always had difficulty in relationships. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my father. I will never know. What I DO know is that no matter how hard I try to involve myself in relationships that are the polar opposite of everything that I grew up to be terrified of.....I always seem to circle back around to ending up with men who make me feel all of those same feelings of hopelessness, sickness, and worthlessness.

So, I found myself in despair last night yet again. My very first thoughts are ALWAYS along the lines of, "What did I do?" "How did I let this happen?" "Why am I such a shitty girlfriend?" "If I wasn't so fucking stupid, no one would do this to me." "Maybe I expect too much." Hmm. That last one, "Maybe I expect too much," clearly shows me that I'm out of my mind. I wish that I could shift that personal paradigm to, "Maybe I ACCEPT too much." Truth be told...I don't expect much at all. Quite the contrary. Maybe THAT is my problem. That said, I do expect one thing. Oddly, this may be only one thing, but perhaps it truly is too much. I expect...the truth.

I, like many women, have been cheated on, pushed, smacked, punched, kicked, cheated on again, and lied to. Believe it or not, the lies were more painful than any kick could ever least for me. Falling in love, and giving your life to someone who turns out to be the one thing that you despise most in the world is a tough pill to swallow. I hate liars. I especially hate liars within the context of an intimate relationship. It is the one thing that I cannot accept. I am honest. In fact I've been told, many times, that I am too honest. I am the very definition of TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I am this way because of my belief in the old adage: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Well, let me tell ya. Even if you DO treat others the way that you want to be treated, I am finding that there is OBVIOUSLY zero correlation with what you get back. If the rule is that you get back what you give out...well karma is broken. Clearly. It needs to go into the repair shop a.s.a.p.

I've loved Mr. Perfect for years. We've been through so much. I have fought with everything I have to keep us together. As human beings, we are ALL flawed pretty deeply in most cases. The thing is, I just feel that I've overlooked so much. We both have 'issues' i guess, but nothing that I see as being bad enough to end things over. I can see passed so much...but the lies...they are the brick wall for me. Unfortunately, I'm just not sure that his love for me is enough to override this very broken part of his character. Maybe it's just the way it I'm faced with a choice. Do I walk away from all of the wonderful and beautiful things that we've built together because I can't trust him? Or do I with the self imposed delusion that everything is ok, and that trust isn't my mother.

"“I believe that everything happens for a reason People change so that you can learn to let go Things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate them when they’re right You believe less so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself And sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together” " — Marilyn Monroe