Friday, July 17, 2009

2 days

Ok, this isn't going to make any sense.

You have been warned.

I am troubled. I am full of angst and anxiety. My intimate relationship seems to be in a state of...flux. So many things are up in the air at the moment. It's maddening. I've invested 4 years, and to be honest with you...I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I feel that at any moment the rug will be pulled from under me. I wonder if the man that I love is really who I think he is. I am suspicious that this is all an illusion. Perhaps a lucid dream. Will I wake up and find myself back in Baltimore with no hope for a future of peace and joy.

I love my relationship. It just seems very fragile to me at times. This makes me uneasy. It makes me recoil. It makes me rebel.

Next, today I realized that my little boy is turning 9 years old this September. WOW. Where has the time gone, and more impotantly, what have I done with it. I feel like the past 10 years of my own life have been spent chasing...something. I'm not sure what exactly. He has triumphed repeatedly over his disability, and I have watched in awe as he has overcome hurdle after hurdle. I hope to one day be as strong as he is.

I'm feeling a little trapped these days. Like a caged animal. Ugh, how cliche of me. I couldn't think of a fresher, more appropriate phrase at the moment. My apologies. I can't help but yearn for and daydream of the days when life was simpler. Well, my life was NEVER "simple", but it had varying degrees of simpler than THIS. And by simpler than THIS, I mean, simpler than now. Logistically, my life is a clusterfuck. I am in the process of trying to figure out how to love and enjoy my child, cultivate my own identity, work, make music, and maintain a delicate intimate relationship. It is difficult for my significant other and I to do things together, and it becomes moreso as time goes on. My mother has been fighting cancer for many years, and she is in no shape to play the role of "Grandma Babysitter"....I find it exceptionally difficult to admit that I need a break. From all of this. Everything. I just want to go away, and live in a perfect little world with no responsibilities for like, 2 days. Thats all. 2 days. I want someone to take care of me.

I want 2 full days where I don't have to worry about someones feelings. No social workers, no supply company orders, no abusive ex husband, no sharing the remote, no friends to answer to, no family guilt, no terror that Munchkin's breathing pattern could be a precursor to a brand new fresh case of pneumonia. I want to sing as loud and for as long as I want. I want to work in my studio. I want my own space. No cleaning. I want to play guitar. I don't want to be sorry for something. I want to be...not obligated for just. 2. days.

I'll let you know...