Maybe it's time to call it a day. The sun is rapidly setting on the days when I had faith in humans. Especially men.
This post may come across as harsh. I'm ok with that, because the reality of my situation and my emotional state seems much heavier than any statements that I may do my best to compose here. I cannot possibly be the only one who has experienced this...
I grew up in a home with a father who was extremely abusive. Daily, he found new and profound ways to rip my mother, sister, and I to shreds. I will not go into details, but it was hell. Purely.
Perhaps, because of my father's methodical destruction of our self esteem, I have always had difficulty in relationships. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my father. I will never know. What I DO know is that no matter how hard I try to involve myself in relationships that are the polar opposite of everything that I grew up to be terrified of.....I always seem to circle back around to ending up with men who make me feel all of those same feelings of hopelessness, sickness, and worthlessness.
So, I found myself in despair last night yet again. My very first thoughts are ALWAYS along the lines of, "What did I do?" "How did I let this happen?" "Why am I such a shitty girlfriend?" "If I wasn't so fucking stupid, no one would do this to me." "Maybe I expect too much." Hmm. That last one, "Maybe I expect too much," clearly shows me that I'm out of my mind. I wish that I could shift that personal paradigm to, "Maybe I ACCEPT too much." Truth be told...I don't expect much at all. Quite the contrary. Maybe THAT is my problem. That said, I do expect one thing. Oddly, this may be only one thing, but perhaps it truly is too much. I expect...the truth.
I, like many women, have been cheated on, pushed, smacked, punched, kicked, cheated on again, and lied to. Believe it or not, the lies were more painful than any kick could ever be...at least for me. Falling in love, and giving your life to someone who turns out to be the one thing that you despise most in the world is a tough pill to swallow. I hate liars. I especially hate liars within the context of an intimate relationship. It is the one thing that I cannot accept. I am honest. In fact I've been told, many times, that I am too honest. I am the very definition of TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I am this way because of my belief in the old adage: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Well, let me tell ya. Even if you DO treat others the way that you want to be treated, I am finding that there is OBVIOUSLY zero correlation with what you get back. If the rule is that you get back what you give out...well then...my karma is broken. Clearly. It needs to go into the repair shop a.s.a.p.
I've loved Mr. Perfect for years. We've been through so much. I have fought with everything I have to keep us together. As human beings, we are ALL flawed pretty deeply in most cases. The thing is, I just feel that I've overlooked so much. We both have 'issues' i guess, but nothing that I see as being bad enough to end things over. I can see passed so much...but the lies...they are the brick wall for me. Unfortunately, I'm just not sure that his love for me is enough to override this very broken part of his character. Maybe it's just the way it is....so I'm faced with a choice. Do I walk away from all of the wonderful and beautiful things that we've built together because I can't trust him? Or do I stay...living with the self imposed delusion that everything is ok, and that trust isn't everything...like my mother.
"“I believe that everything happens for a reason People change so that you can learn to let go Things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate them when they’re right You believe less so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself And sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together” " — Marilyn Monroe
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Miracles...
Hey guys...So I'm sure that those of you who are close to me realize that I am an EXTREMELY private person. I listen well, but do not talk so much about my life and circumstances very often. I have difficulty letting people in....Anyway, this day has been so incredible that I have to share.
So some of you are aware that I have a little angel boy with profoundly special needs. He has been fighting a very rare illness since birth, and going through this journey with him has been my greatest joy, and my greatest heartache. My soul cries for him daily, and I have more than once asked God why this precious angel was given such a tough road.
When he was about four months old, the doctors pretty much looked at me and told me to "prepare myself". Other specialists said that he "may" make it to his first birthday...My response was a clear and resounding, "Thank you, but I do not accept that."
He suffered from atrophy to the frontal lobe of his brain, and basically had fluid filling all of the space where his brain should be. This odd brain abnormality contributed to him having well over 180 (visible) seizures everyday, while his brain activity, when measured with an EEG, showed one constant seizure on the right side of his brain. This often resulted in him having to be put into a medication induced coma, complete with respirator/ventilator...sometimes for weeks at a time. It was terrifying. These problems lead to others such as lung problems as a result of him being unable to swallow properly. Instead of liquid or food going from his mouth into his stomach, everything pretty much went straight into his lungs, which caused many life theatening pneumonias. The only option was for him to be fed through a stomach tube. Not long after that, he had to have a surgery that would tie his stomach around his esophagus so that no liquid could creep out of his stomach and back into his lungs. Sorry for the long back story, but I think it's important to share. Plus, this is the abridged version.
My son can not walk, he is on 6 different seizure medications, 2 lung medications, and he does not speak...He does however communicate. We have our very own special language. Just me and him.
So today, I took him back to the specialists at Kennedy Krieger in Baltimore. It seems as though he lived at that place for a long time. This is the first time that we've been back in 2 years. I was tired of him being poked and prodded, wondered over, and used as the subject of study. His case is one in a million or more. So today we went back. I admit, I was worried about some test results.
He has been very healthy for the past year or so, and I have been using some slightly unconventional therapy techniques.
First up was the Orthopedics doc. She's a sweetheart. I was worried because Angel Baby has really severe scoliosis, and with children like him, it only gets worse. The last time that I saw her she warned me to be aware that our next meeting may need to be centered around him needing surgery to correct the deep curvature in his back. They basically insert a rod into/around the spine to straighten it when the curvature is too deep because a deep curve can cause all sorts of problems...The spine may begin putting pressure on the heart or crushing a lung. As I said, children with his type of disorder only tend to get worse as they grow.
So we take the Xray. I'm praying and praying, and trying to stay at peace as we wait for the doctor to inform us of what she sees....
"Jeanette!" she says..."He looks great! His spine has IMPROVED!" This little dude went from having a 40 degree curvature to a 30 curvature in two years..that is sooooo backwards, and truly a miracle.
Next, his genetics/neurology doc comes in and says, "Look Jeanette....(blah blah blah...doctor talk)" but the long and short was that he wanted to reduce his medication due to the fact that his little brain has COMPLETELY regenerated itself, and he has gone from 180 seizures a day to.......2. Yes...two seizures per day. I'll take it.
I wanted to share this story with you all because, look, I totally get depressed sometimes, and I totally lose sight of why God put me here....But listen, if this kid can wake up everyday with a smile on his face after all that he's been through...then I have nothing to complain about. Granted, he has never known what it's like to walk on his legs...but maybe that should make you a little more thankful for yours. If HE can smile and laugh and love as much as he does...then I would be a fool not to realize that God sent me my very own angel to remind me everyday, why it's all ok. Why life is so....ok. Be happy. Love yourself. I love you:-)
By the way...He made it past his first birthday. He is eight years old:-)
So some of you are aware that I have a little angel boy with profoundly special needs. He has been fighting a very rare illness since birth, and going through this journey with him has been my greatest joy, and my greatest heartache. My soul cries for him daily, and I have more than once asked God why this precious angel was given such a tough road.
When he was about four months old, the doctors pretty much looked at me and told me to "prepare myself". Other specialists said that he "may" make it to his first birthday...My response was a clear and resounding, "Thank you, but I do not accept that."
He suffered from atrophy to the frontal lobe of his brain, and basically had fluid filling all of the space where his brain should be. This odd brain abnormality contributed to him having well over 180 (visible) seizures everyday, while his brain activity, when measured with an EEG, showed one constant seizure on the right side of his brain. This often resulted in him having to be put into a medication induced coma, complete with respirator/ventilator...sometimes for weeks at a time. It was terrifying. These problems lead to others such as lung problems as a result of him being unable to swallow properly. Instead of liquid or food going from his mouth into his stomach, everything pretty much went straight into his lungs, which caused many life theatening pneumonias. The only option was for him to be fed through a stomach tube. Not long after that, he had to have a surgery that would tie his stomach around his esophagus so that no liquid could creep out of his stomach and back into his lungs. Sorry for the long back story, but I think it's important to share. Plus, this is the abridged version.
My son can not walk, he is on 6 different seizure medications, 2 lung medications, and he does not speak...He does however communicate. We have our very own special language. Just me and him.
So today, I took him back to the specialists at Kennedy Krieger in Baltimore. It seems as though he lived at that place for a long time. This is the first time that we've been back in 2 years. I was tired of him being poked and prodded, wondered over, and used as the subject of study. His case is one in a million or more. So today we went back. I admit, I was worried about some test results.
He has been very healthy for the past year or so, and I have been using some slightly unconventional therapy techniques.
First up was the Orthopedics doc. She's a sweetheart. I was worried because Angel Baby has really severe scoliosis, and with children like him, it only gets worse. The last time that I saw her she warned me to be aware that our next meeting may need to be centered around him needing surgery to correct the deep curvature in his back. They basically insert a rod into/around the spine to straighten it when the curvature is too deep because a deep curve can cause all sorts of problems...The spine may begin putting pressure on the heart or crushing a lung. As I said, children with his type of disorder only tend to get worse as they grow.
So we take the Xray. I'm praying and praying, and trying to stay at peace as we wait for the doctor to inform us of what she sees....
"Jeanette!" she says..."He looks great! His spine has IMPROVED!" This little dude went from having a 40 degree curvature to a 30 curvature in two years..that is sooooo backwards, and truly a miracle.
Next, his genetics/neurology doc comes in and says, "Look Jeanette....(blah blah blah...doctor talk)" but the long and short was that he wanted to reduce his medication due to the fact that his little brain has COMPLETELY regenerated itself, and he has gone from 180 seizures a day to.......2. Yes...two seizures per day. I'll take it.
I wanted to share this story with you all because, look, I totally get depressed sometimes, and I totally lose sight of why God put me here....But listen, if this kid can wake up everyday with a smile on his face after all that he's been through...then I have nothing to complain about. Granted, he has never known what it's like to walk on his legs...but maybe that should make you a little more thankful for yours. If HE can smile and laugh and love as much as he does...then I would be a fool not to realize that God sent me my very own angel to remind me everyday, why it's all ok. Why life is so....ok. Be happy. Love yourself. I love you:-)
By the way...He made it past his first birthday. He is eight years old:-)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
And so it begins...
It's only money... Love is all you need... Can't buy me love... Money can't buy happiness...
Horse shit.
Pardon me. That was rude. I mean, but really. Really?
Well how's this: I'm in love. In fact, I'm in love with a human being who is nearly as close to perfect as our species can possibly get. (And no, I'm not wearing rose colored blinders, or whatever that cliche was that everybody's grandma used to mention. He just is, and perhaps if you stay tuned to this blog, you will see why I say so.) Even though this man is relatively perfect,
(for me) we have issues. Like, mayjah.
There is nothing that I would change about us. We rock. Except...well maybe there is this ONE thing... Cashflow.
All you have to do is drive down the street, or head to the mall, or turn on the news... We are living inside the dense fog of a major recession and, for many us, it. is. suffocating. At least, it is for us.
You see, my honey and I are artists... Yes... The starving kind. And we were starving BEFORE the recession monster hit the fan. Well, not starving, but lets just say that neither one of us has been able to purchase a Bentley with the fruits of our labor. We were OK. Alas, dominos have fallen and the lover and me have decided to make a career change until further notice, because making ends meet with our art is simply out of the question at this point in time. Actually, making ends notice each other across a crowded room is even a stretch at the moment.
This is a huge source of stress between us, even though we both go to great lengths not to mention how much we hate ourselves for putting aside what we truly love. But hey....ya gotta live. We ALL have to do this thing called life and it is not always the most enjoyable game of Candyland... At this point, it's feeling a lot more like Battleship. (Remember Battleship?! "You sank my BATTLESHIP!!")
So back to my original thought...I say, YES! Money could certainly buy my happiness right now!
Most indubitably!! I would soooooooo NOT shun a benefactor. Unfortunately for me and most of us, it doesn't look as though Daddy long legs will be making an appearance anytime soon. With that in mind, I'm sure that we will survive and even thrive in our new careers. I am also sure that we will somehow always find some way to find bliss on the battleship.
Keep floating, and welcome to my blog.
J
Horse shit.
Pardon me. That was rude. I mean, but really. Really?
Well how's this: I'm in love. In fact, I'm in love with a human being who is nearly as close to perfect as our species can possibly get. (And no, I'm not wearing rose colored blinders, or whatever that cliche was that everybody's grandma used to mention. He just is, and perhaps if you stay tuned to this blog, you will see why I say so.) Even though this man is relatively perfect,
(for me) we have issues. Like, mayjah.
There is nothing that I would change about us. We rock. Except...well maybe there is this ONE thing... Cashflow.
All you have to do is drive down the street, or head to the mall, or turn on the news... We are living inside the dense fog of a major recession and, for many us, it. is. suffocating. At least, it is for us.
You see, my honey and I are artists... Yes... The starving kind. And we were starving BEFORE the recession monster hit the fan. Well, not starving, but lets just say that neither one of us has been able to purchase a Bentley with the fruits of our labor. We were OK. Alas, dominos have fallen and the lover and me have decided to make a career change until further notice, because making ends meet with our art is simply out of the question at this point in time. Actually, making ends notice each other across a crowded room is even a stretch at the moment.
This is a huge source of stress between us, even though we both go to great lengths not to mention how much we hate ourselves for putting aside what we truly love. But hey....ya gotta live. We ALL have to do this thing called life and it is not always the most enjoyable game of Candyland... At this point, it's feeling a lot more like Battleship. (Remember Battleship?! "You sank my BATTLESHIP!!")
So back to my original thought...I say, YES! Money could certainly buy my happiness right now!
Most indubitably!! I would soooooooo NOT shun a benefactor. Unfortunately for me and most of us, it doesn't look as though Daddy long legs will be making an appearance anytime soon. With that in mind, I'm sure that we will survive and even thrive in our new careers. I am also sure that we will somehow always find some way to find bliss on the battleship.
Keep floating, and welcome to my blog.
J
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