Sunset

Maybe it's time to call it a day. The sun is rapidly setting on the days when I had faith in humans. Especially men.

This post may come across as harsh. I'm ok with that, because the reality of my situation and my emotional state seems much heavier than any statements that I may do my best to compose here. I cannot possibly be the only one who has experienced this...

I grew up in a home with a father who was extremely abusive. Daily, he found new and profound ways to rip my mother, sister, and I to shreds. I will not go into details, but it was hell. Purely.

Perhaps, because of my father's methodical destruction of our self esteem, I have always had difficulty in relationships. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my father. I will never know. What I DO know is that no matter how hard I try to involve myself in relationships that are the polar opposite of everything that I grew up to be terrified of.....I always seem to circle back around to ending up with men who make me feel all of those same feelings of hopelessness, sickness, and worthlessness.

So, I found myself in despair last night yet again. My very first thoughts are ALWAYS along the lines of, "What did I do?" "How did I let this happen?" "Why am I such a shitty girlfriend?" "If I wasn't so fucking stupid, no one would do this to me." "Maybe I expect too much." Hmm. That last one, "Maybe I expect too much," clearly shows me that I'm out of my mind. I wish that I could shift that personal paradigm to, "Maybe I ACCEPT too much." Truth be told...I don't expect much at all. Quite the contrary. Maybe THAT is my problem. That said, I do expect one thing. Oddly, this may be only one thing, but perhaps it truly is too much. I expect...the truth.

I, like many women, have been cheated on, pushed, smacked, punched, kicked, cheated on again, and lied to. Believe it or not, the lies were more painful than any kick could ever be...at least for me. Falling in love, and giving your life to someone who turns out to be the one thing that you despise most in the world is a tough pill to swallow. I hate liars. I especially hate liars within the context of an intimate relationship. It is the one thing that I cannot accept. I am honest. In fact I've been told, many times, that I am too honest. I am the very definition of TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I am this way because of my belief in the old adage: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Well, let me tell ya. Even if you DO treat others the way that you want to be treated, I am finding that there is OBVIOUSLY zero correlation with what you get back. If the rule is that you get back what you give out...well then...my karma is broken. Clearly. It needs to go into the repair shop a.s.a.p.

I've loved Mr. Perfect for years. We've been through so much. I have fought with everything I have to keep us together. As human beings, we are ALL flawed pretty deeply in most cases. The thing is, I just feel that I've overlooked so much. We both have 'issues' i guess, but nothing that I see as being bad enough to end things over. I can see passed so much...but the lies...they are the brick wall for me. Unfortunately, I'm just not sure that his love for me is enough to override this very broken part of his character. Maybe it's just the way it is....so I'm faced with a choice. Do I walk away from all of the wonderful and beautiful things that we've built together because I can't trust him? Or do I stay...living with the self imposed delusion that everything is ok, and that trust isn't everything...like my mother.

"“I believe that everything happens for a reason People change so that you can learn to let go Things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate them when they’re right You believe less so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself And sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together” " — Marilyn Monroe

And so it begins...

It's only money... Love is all you need... Can't buy me love... Money can't buy happiness...

Horse shit.

Pardon me. That was rude. I mean, but really. Really?

Well how's this: I'm in love. In fact, I'm in love with a human being who is nearly as close to perfect as our species can possibly get. (And no, I'm not wearing rose colored blinders, or whatever that cliche was that everybody's grandma used to mention. He just is, and perhaps if you stay tuned to this blog, you will see why I say so.) Even though this man is relatively perfect,
(for me) we have issues. Like, mayjah.

There is nothing that I would change about us. We rock. Except...well maybe there is this ONE thing... Cashflow.

All you have to do is drive down the street, or head to the mall, or turn on the news... We are living inside the dense fog of a major recession and, for many us, it. is. suffocating. At least, it is for us.

You see, my honey and I are artists... Yes... The starving kind. And we were starving BEFORE the recession monster hit the fan. Well, not starving, but lets just say that neither one of us has been able to purchase a Bentley with the fruits of our labor. We were OK. Alas, dominos have fallen and the lover and me have decided to make a career change until further notice, because making ends meet with our art is simply out of the question at this point in time. Actually, making ends notice each other across a crowded room is even a stretch at the moment.

This is a huge source of stress between us, even though we both go to great lengths not to mention how much we hate ourselves for putting aside what we truly love. But hey....ya gotta live. We ALL have to do this thing called life and it is not always the most enjoyable game of Candyland... At this point, it's feeling a lot more like Battleship. (Remember Battleship?! "You sank my BATTLESHIP!!")

So back to my original thought...I say, YES! Money could certainly buy my happiness right now!
Most indubitably!! I would soooooooo NOT shun a benefactor. Unfortunately for me and most of us, it doesn't look as though Daddy long legs will be making an appearance anytime soon. With that in mind, I'm sure that we will survive and even thrive in our new careers. I am also sure that we will somehow always find some way to find bliss on the battleship.

Keep floating, and welcome to my blog.

J